Oh how I love when a LONG-since-introduced concept “RE-clicks” / hits home / more deeply integrates!

If you want to be understood … seek first to understand.
If you want to be understood … LISTEN.

I’ve been marinating on the grand topic of LISTENING as of late.  (not the first time, obviously)
Reflective listening. (yeah … the kind where you actually listen. wink!)
The related idea of being heard.
And, the concept of meeting people where they are.

Hmmmmmmm?!  Ahhhh Haaaaa.  Ohhhhhhh.

(Yep … connecting the dots in a way that feels deeper than before.  And, my heart-felt gratitude first and foremost to my lovely daughter!  Also to my amazing husband and rock-star clients and friends!  What lovely teachers and mirrors you all are.)

Allow me to put this in a nice little chronology.
OK … here goes …

A.  You want to be heard.  (whether by your 4 yr old (insert me. smiles.) or by any number of people in your life)
B. Insert (hopefully) a healthy dose of reflection where possible. Practice and Play. Get good at it. Or, at least get aware. (right?!)

Reflect on what?  First, reflect a bit on where the other person in the hopeful dialogue IS.  What’s their story? (age, tendency, mood, etc., etc.)  What have they said?  Have you heard them?  Requires a bit of ’slow-down’ … a good thing.  Second, reflect on where YOU are coming from.  What is your bottom line?  What is happening in your body?  Amped?  Calm?     PAUSE for a second or two and find your center / your grace.  Speak from there.

C. Meet the person where they are.   This bit (as suggested) requires a very individualized approach, if you will.   EXAMPLE:  the 4 yr old DOES NOT communicate the way an adult does.  BLASTED! (wink)  I’ve been attempting to talk to my daughter (or talk, talk, talk is more like it) as if she’s my age. (I know, seems silly. But true.)   It flat-out doesn’t work well.   I’ve learned that she’s in a ‘move and do’ phase of development. (more here … but that’s another blog altogether)  I’ll do my best to alter my communication style to match her … to set things up so that I’m much more likely to be heard/understood.

Then, the lovely point where this concept solidified / integrated deeper / felt like an always-known universal truth …  THIS SAME PROCESS OR CONCEPT IS TRUE FOR ALL COMMUNICATION.  (If you want ‘true’ and effective communication, that is!)

If we don’t first REFLECT a bit (on our communication-partner and on us, and our message) …
If we don’t make an effort to meet the person where they are …
Odds are we will not be heard.

More EXAMPLES/SCENARIOS:

1)  Not Coming Across Clear
This is the scenario where one’s lack of reflection causes their message to come out jumbled, amped, mis-guided or generally unclear.  No judgment.  Just Is.  As someone who processes through talking, I am familiar with this scenario.   Because I and others will likely have unclear communication in the future, it is important to free up the other person(s) from expected understanding in this case.  OR,  a novel idea:  Wait until you have a bit more time to self-reflect, a bit more clarity, so as to present your message with greater clarity.

2) Other Person Isn’t Tracking / Other Person Checked Out
If we don’t take a bit of time to consider our dialogue partner (reflect on them), communication break-down is easy to understand.   The 4 yr old example is clear.  The fellow adult … well, any number of things could be happening. All of us have some level of communication deficiency (especially when our little egos get in the mix.  And they often do.)  On top of that, there are opportune times for effective dialogue and there are times to wait.  In addition, people often have differing communication styles.  (one or the other is more reflective.  one or the other requires a bit more time to process. etc. etc.)  Whatever it may be … one cannot be effectively heard if attention is not given to the other in the conversation. After all, it’s supposed to be a two-way street, right?

I’ll end by saying this:
In true “process by talking or writing” fashion … I will release ALL expectation around your understanding of this musing (wink and smile!). And, I will be playing and practicing and musing on this lovely topic some more. Suffice it to say I feel a beautiful sense of liberation and understanding.

I’ll carry on …. (with greater reflection, I hope)!

Pause. LISTEN. Understand. Understood.

Kindly allow this to be a continuation to the previous Grace blog/musing …

It seems to me that such a BIG part of finding Grace in and around any aspect of life is our ability to find softness, to lighten up a bit, to forgive ourselves our human-ness, to accept ourselves as perfectly-imperfect. (do you feel the freedom and fluidity in that?!)

In the previous musing I wrote a bit about heightened awareness, a bit about watching ourselves (in a NON-JUDGMENTAL fashion), taking note of our actions, our feelings and emotions, and the related outcomes.

Yes! Do just that. Notice. Be Aware. Be Non-Judgmental. Accept.
Then, move/act from there.

Truly a continuation (and prerequisite, if you will) for being FULL of Grace!

If we judge ourselves harshly … if we stew, hang-on, over-obsesses, gripe, etc. … we are stuck. There is little-to-NO flow in that. And there certainly isn’t any room for Grace to enter in.

If we can Pause. Own. Accept. FORGIVE.
If we can find some AMUSEMENT, HUMOR, LIGHTNESS and SOFTNESS around even some of our most frustrating goings-on … WE ALLOW ROOM FOR GRACE AND SPIRIT AND FLOW TO ENTER.

We just may find we aren’t stuck at all! We just may find that what once was troubling and lacking any amount of grace, can, in reality, be SMOOTH SAILING!

When commiting to bringing Grace In (with respect to interactions of all kinds), please-oh-please remember a healthy dose of GRACE FOR YOU!

Sail On!  Softly. With a Smile On!

One of my dearest friends and I have been musing on the topic of grace as of late.

Grace by way of actions and interactions.
Grace by way of authenticity (being you and true to you).
Grace with a capital G.

This state of BEING that we both strive for and experience on a regular basis.  Because as is true of much of life … there is an ebb and flow.  This inherent experimentation or cause and effect around it all (our day-to-day living, that is).  And hopefully some heightened awareness as we go! (a non-judgmental watching of yourself, your actions, your attitude and the outcome)

For the days, experiences, moments when we find ourselves in “strive” mode … we have made the commitment to OURSELVES to pause, take a bit of space if needed, and take a little personal inventory, if you will.  Take a moment to check in with YOU and with how your thoughts, attitudes and actions are or are not in alignment with your truth, with your boundaries, with your commitment (hopeful) to self-care.

I feel like I’m speaking a bit cryptic here.  Perhaps you’re feeling similarly.

Huh?!

Whether interactions with a stranger, acquaintance, friend, or even and especially a significant other or your child:  Our greatest grace can only come when we honor ourselves first … when that which helps, serves and lifts the other does not deplete, harm or take-away from us.

If you muse on that for a moment, you may find there really is Truth with a capital T!

Things that LIFT and HEAL and HELP do so in an exponentially and mutually beneficial manner.  If someone is loosing … seems everyone looses.  [funny - - this hits upon another blog post that's been swirling in this brain.  This concept of doing away with one of our greatest illusions/lies:  Us vs. Them.  Stay tuned ... ]

Anyway, back to GRACE.

I’m oh-so-grateful for my interactions with my friend, and our mutual accountability on this topic!!!!!!!! (YES … it is indeed deserving of all the exclamation points!!!! smile.)

Below are a few definitions of Grace:

Grace:
a. Seemingly effortless charm
b. A characteristic or quality pleasing for its charm or refinement
c. A disposition to be generous

YES.

Effortless charm. Ease. Refinement. Disposition to be generous. … All can be possible when your interactions and offerings with and toward others provide MUTUAL lift.

[Special note to Moms out there:  THIS ABSOLUTELY APPLIES TO YOU AND YOUR INTERACTIONS AND OFFERINGS WITH YOUR CHILD(REN)/FAMILY!!  I know/feel it/live it ... sometimes Grace-full ... sometimes not.  I'm a Mom, too.  And if you ever care to chat more on this topic ... feel oh-so-free to reach out!]

Choose Win-Wins. Choose the infinite upward spiral.
Choose GRACE with all caps!

How?  

Begin by making decisions based on the presence of a full-body-smile, an unmistakable, visceral YES (or even just a nudging toward yes for those not so good at honoring one’s self.  Choose feel-good scenarios! Choose to create situations that do not continually deplete. 

Around any given situation, I often ask clients “are you coming up empty?”  If a yes … what would be a situation where you would find/experience a win-win? 

Let GRACE Enter In.

Okay … so we all have shit-storm days.  (yeah, sorry.  I do so enjoy this descriptive adage! and, cool pic hey?!)

They often feel a bit like this:

*Grrrrr!
*Not enough time, space … Not enough anything really!
*Pin-ball brained (makes sense, right?)
*Want to run and hide, escape, avoid.
*Blame! Who or what can I blame!
*Tired, Annoyed, ________ (fill in the blank)

Enough of that.
Now … here are a few tips for riding that shit-storm:

1) SURRENDER. ACCEPT IT. Call it what it is … a bad day. (there’s freedom and permission in that!)
2) OWN IT. 100% Accountability. (funny thing happens when you take the responsibility, when you say “This is MINE!” … There is a shift. There is a recognition that things are now in your CONTROL to adjust, change, modify. Nice!)
3) Give yourself more space to BE in it. REALLY. Know and feel the energy bubble that is You. Push the boundaries out a bit – let’s say 3 ft out in all directions. (this really does work to give a little breathing room … funny how you won’t feel the need to run/escape when you allow yourself some space to ‘Be In It.’)
4) REMIND YOUSELF (as often as needed) THAT THIS, TOO, SHALL PASS.
5) KNOW THYSELF. Bad days (or the day after. wink.) can be beautiful times to take stock in who it is that YOU ARE. Not only will this assit you in choosing things to help you ride that wave (relax. sleep. find ways to laugh. call a friend. be alone. etc) … but often it will highlight those things that perhaps you should be fitting into your day-to-day MORE OFTEN! Things that make you HAPPY, SHINE … things that make you Your Best! (hmmmmmmm? strikes a chord here! smiles.)
6) Finally, merely take note that days such as these serve as beautiful contrast to our “on top of the world days.”  This again helps highlight that which is GOOD, in the flow, Perfectly-Us … reminds us of all those things for which we are ABUNDANTLY GRATEFUL!  (see old post below if pulled)

Day Over (shit-storm passed) … Ahhhhh!

GET ON WITH RIDING THE WAVES ON YOUR TERMS! Perfectly-You!

***************************
2009 musing
***************************
So … I’m sitting at a coffee shop working on career-related things that make me happy.

I’m sharing a table with another coffee-shop-goer (a common occurrence at this busy locale).

Soon enough, we find ourselves in one of those in depth conversations that I so enjoy – with a friend or “stranger” all the same.  LIFE conversations.

Allow me to share a bit about the juicy facets we covered, and the pearls of wisdom (old as the ages) that so often emerge.

relationships (allowing others their “way” AND honoring your “way”)  * grasping for control (of any area of life) * parenting … self-care amidst caring for others  * getting what one wants … dreaming, if you will … and shooting for the moon *  perspective!  oh, how it affects one’s day-to-day *  appreciating “good” … acceptance of “bad” *  how compassion affects ALL of the above

That’s when Steven (I now know as we exchanged biz cards) gets out a paper and pen and does two things.

First, a quote:

“Compassionate toward yourself, you reconcile all beings in the world”  – Tao Te Ching

Next, a visual presentation of the spectrum of life’s experiences. A continuum line, if you will.

This concept of 75/25.

What? you ask.

75% of our experiences we deem “good” … We like it. It makes us happy. It agrees with what we feel life should be.  Happy. Happy. Joy. Joy.  (no judgement here … this IS the ‘good’ stuff!)

25% of our experiences are less than that … “bad”, boring, sad, fearsome, etc.  (no judgement here either … this is what it is!)

Without the 25 … oh-how-much-less we would likely appreciate the 75!

Without the 25 … how would we learn and grow … in compassion, most of all?

http://odewire.com/220554/turn-right-for-enlightenment.html

Ahhhhhh.  We are so magical!

Less Talking. Less Excuses. Less Defensiveness. More LISTENING.

Less Multi-Tasking. More NOW. More THIS MOMENT.

Less Wishing. More ACKNOWLEDGING (all that IS)

Less Waiting for Perfect. More SMALL STEPS / INSPIRED ACTION

Less Blame. Less ‘My Way.’ More ACCEPTANCE. More DETATCHMENT. More GRACE.

Less Grasping. More ALLOWING.(ride the wave!)

Less Serious. More AMUSEMENT.

Less I’m Not Okay. More BEING PERFECTLY-YOU! (exactly as you are today)

So, this blog has been writing itself for a bit. And then … a beautiful tangent. (love how that happens)

I’ll start with the tangent.
A friend sent me the link to a totally cool (yep … that’s the high school adage that rose to the top. smiles.) article from the New York Times.
(link: http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/03/24/the-brain-on-love/?emc=eta1)
It is well-worth the read, but it was the very first paragraph that grabbed me. Below is an excerpt.

… the brain is constantly rewiring itself based on daily life. In the end, what we pay the most attention to defines us. How you choose to spend the irreplaceable hours of your life literally transforms you

DAMN! WOW! YEAH! Ooooooooh!

I was planning to write about our life’s connections. Those people we bring into our inner circle. Those people who become lovely trusted confidants. Those people for which we would do anything. Those people who are “Our People” (oh, and I hope you have a-few-to-many that you can call upon depending on the circumstance!   I feel absolutely Blessed with a capital B!)

And further … whilst musing on this topic, I got to thinking about marriage, significant others, lasting relationships. Mine. Others. It never before struck me with such clarity just how important ‘the others’ are to the ‘us’ of a couple.

Any long-term relationship comes with it’s peaks and valleys, with it’s challenges, with it’s joys, with it’s mundane, with it’s ________ (fill in the blank).   It certainly is a sorted journey!    For me, I am oh-so-thankful for ‘the others’ (MY PEOPLE) and their largely impact-full and wonderful role in my relationship with my husband and daughter.  It truly is a beautiful circle!  A lovely symbiotic relationship in which we are all connected, and we all affect each other, and in many-a-case … we serve as irreplaceable listeners, sounding boards, guides … guiding us back to OURSELVES.

Then … this tangent.  This New York Times article by Diane Ackerman.
Drives it home even further (which you’ll understand when and if you take a read)
Not only did it speak to me with respect to that which I wanted to write about … but it helped take it a step further.

THESE PEOPLE … THESE CONNECTIONS … THEY ALSO CONTRIBUTE TO HOW WE ARE WIRED.  THEY HELP DEFINE US.

Strikes one hell of a chord in me.  For two reasons.

1)  It really illustrates just how important it is to feel GOOD about the who and the what of your day-to-day!!   Feeling like you’re coming up empty?   Perhaps it’s time to make a few changes for yourself.  For your SELF.

2)  I am grooving and LOVING on the people (near and far / family and friends) with which I am passing my time!!

Ah, LOVE FEST.

Perfectly-You Coaching (in an online, self-led format) is NOW AVAILABLE!!
Yeeeeeee F-ing Haaaaaaaaaw! (wink and smile)

Really. I’m pretty darn excited about this for many-a-reason.
Kindly allow me to share just a couple.

1st:  I set for myself a pretty lofty goal with a shorter-than-normal deadline.  What?  In December I decided to take my coaching program to an online, self-led format and do so by March 2012.  DONE!  Smiles.   (Why loftier goal? Because it made it that much more worth working toward.  Why shorter time frame?  Because it forced a bit more ‘get ‘er done’ ACTION.  Give this lofty goal and shorter time frame thing a try sometime.  I highly recommend it. Smiles again!)

2nd:  Officially going LIVE with this on the First Day of Spring is not only just plain fun but perfectly appropriate given the meaning we attach to the coming of Spring.  REBIRTH AND BALANCE.    Okay, so the re-birth thing is obvious.  Just look around at all the amazing plants, flowers and trees.  The buds of new life are everywhere around us!   This coaching program is intended to do just that for YOU and your life.  A rebirth of YOU at your very (innate) best.   Balance?  The vernal (or spring) equinox is the day where night/dark is in balance with day/light.  Beautifully symbolic!  Encourage perfect balance in your life by working/playing through this Perfectly-You Coaching Program.

The winds of change are blowing!
Spring is in the air!
New life abounds!

Let this be a lovely analogy for what this could signify in your day to day life.
Choose Perfectly-You transformation … whenever and whatever you CHOOSE to create.

Take a moment today to notice all the signs of SPRING.
BREATHE.
SMILE.
THANKS!

And again … Perfectly-You Coaching is NOW AVAILABLE in an online, self-led format.
Check it out:  http://papillonlife.com/services/

(Thank YOU! … for subscribing to my little musings! KINDLY CONSIDER SHARING MY WEBSITE, MY POSTS WITH YOUR FRIENDS AND CONTACTS. KINDLY CONSIDER SHARING MY POSTS ON FACEBOOK. THANK YOU.)

… and just how many ‘selves’ are in there?!  (smiles)

The other night, I found myself reading bits and pieces of a random book because I couldn’t sleep.  All in all, good time spent.  (love how ‘the right’ book finds me oh-so-often)

Anyway, the author of this book (a mother of three at the time of writing) began by saying that she was going to be a broadcast journalist.  She envisioned this life as exciting and moved in that direction (at first).  Later, a teacher, social worker, mother and parenting coach.  (she’s a friend of a friend … check her out: Cathy Cassani Adams)

So, this little blurb about what she was going to be got me to musing on all the little paths we’ve taken in our lives.  All the visions we’ve had for ourselves, and the directions we’ve headed as a result.

What a long strange trip it’s been.

SMILES.

The younger me (like high-school and early college young) saw myself married with a family of 3 or 4 kids.  Those who know me to be a mom of one … and one and done … are smiling right now.  I’m smiling right now.  Now, the mom guilt that exists in me (and likely 99% of the mothers on this earth) feels the need to share that I love being a parent to our larger-than-life, goofy, smiling, happy, active and sassy 4 yr old daugther (though she does wear the sh*t out of me many days) … rather, my point is this:

It is through LIVING that we hopefully live ourselves into OURSELVES!

I’ve adored my path with all it’s twists and turns.  And all it’s lessons learned.  You see, I am a TRUE learn-by-doing kind of a girl.  As such, my path (like many) has not been linear at all.

What I am grateful for as I look back upon the journey of it all:

• All the me’s in me that have been discovered / remembered. (some of that verbiage came from my favorite book ‘Way of the Wanderer’ by David Yeadon. Find it on Amazon!)
• The fact that I’ve chipped away, cleared, and honed IN (and in, and in again) on who it is that I AM and what it is that I LOVE (at which I am damn good). Ahhhhhhhhh!

What a long strange trip it has been. Smiles.
Trial and error, if you will.
Wait, let’s call it trial and no thanks.

And, while I’m sure the next 40 years of my life will bring just as much, if not more, twists and turns, I’m feeling suited for the ride. Suited up as ME, if you will.

Here’s to Living Yourself Into YOURSELF with a capital “Y”!

[Feeling like you don't know Who You Are?  I get it.  I do.   Check out the Perfeclty-You Coaching Series.  It's ALL about You.]

This very statement is oh-so-real for me.  I have such fond memories of it’s inception into my life (not like I didn’t hear it prior … rather, when it became more of a regular and trusted mantra)

12 years ago.
Hawaii.
Strong, Stretched and Centered.  (smiles galore!)
7-Weeks of intense learning (in every fashion) … a 7-week break from my ‘normal’ life.
Seeds were planted, indeed!

One beautiful seed: TRUST THE PROCESS!

Here’s the thing … change of any kind can be challenging, invigorating, a roller-coaster-ride of “I think/know I can” and “all is right with the world” coupled with the opposite ‘BRICK WALL’ feel.

Keep moving on, people! Ride the ups and downs! And remind yourself all the while to TRUST THE PROCESS (of it ALL … whatever your ‘it’ may be)

That’s all, people.
Short and sweet.

Set your sites. Get methodical. Work. Pause and Relax.

AND … TRUST THE PROCESS!

[if pulled ... KINDLY SHARE my site with 'your people!'  http://papillonlife.com/services/ 
2012 is a year to be reckoned with.  Make it brilliantly positive. Make it Perfectly-You!]